First Date Tips for Men: How to Relax, Connect and Follow Up

General guidance, not therapy or medical advice. This article shares coaching experience and research. If you’re struggling with your mental health or your safety, please talk to a qualified professional. See “When to get extra help” below.

Good first date tips for men aren’t about lines, tricks or “game”. They’re about being relaxed, interested and respectful, which is easier said than done when you’re nervous. I coach men on fitness and confidence, and first dates come up all the time, especially with guys getting back into dating after a breakup or divorce. This guide covers how to plan the date, what to talk about, how to handle nerves and what to do afterwards. It builds on my 30-day confidence plan.

Before the date: set yourself up

Choose a simple plan

A first date doesn’t need to impress. It needs to make conversation easy. Coffee, a walk in a park, a casual bar or a market are all good. Avoid the cinema (you can’t talk) and long, expensive dinners (too much pressure). Have a backup idea in case the first place is packed. Around Halloween, a pumpkin patch, a seasonal market or a low-key themed bar can be a fun, easy option.

Look after the basics

• Clean, well-fitting clothes that suit the venue. You don’t need designer labels.
• Fresh haircut or tidy beard, clean nails, light on the cologne.
• Arrive 5 minutes early.
• Know how you’re getting there and home.

Manage your nerves

Nerves are normal. A workout earlier in the day takes the edge off. Before you leave, try 3 minutes of slow breathing, about 4 seconds in and 6 seconds out; slow breathing is linked to a calmer nervous system (Zaccaro et al., 2018). My guide to breathing techniques has more drills that work for any kind of nerves. Stand tall and take up space; whatever the research says about “power poses”, good posture helps you feel more comfortable. If anxiety in social situations is constant and gets in the way of life, the NHS has information on social anxiety and how to get help (NHS).

During the date: how to connect

Ask questions, then ask follow-ups

Researchers at Harvard found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more by their conversation partners, including on speed dates (Huang et al., 2017). Follow-ups show you were actually listening. If she says she just got back from Lisbon, don’t jump to your own trip. Ask what she loved most about it.

Good openers	Better follow-ups
What’s been the best part of your week?	What made it so good?
What do you love doing on a free day?	How did you get into that?
Where’s the best place you’ve been?	Would you go back? What would you do differently?
What are you excited about right now?	What’s the next step for that?

Share, don’t perform

Conversation is a two-way street. Answer her questions honestly and share a little about yourself too. In a famous study, people who gradually shared more personal things felt much closer after just 45 minutes (Aron et al., 1997). You don’t need to tell your life story. A real story about something you care about beats a list of achievements.

Body language

• Eye contact while listening (not a stare).
• Phone face down and on silent, or better, in your pocket.
• Smile, lean in a little, keep your arms relaxed.
• Match her energy rather than dominating the conversation.

Things to avoid

• Talking about your ex at length.
• Complaining about work, dating apps or women in general.
• Getting drunk. One or two drinks, max.
• Heavy topics too early: politics, money problems, past trauma.
• Being rude to staff. People notice.

Respect and consent

Respect is the most attractive trait you can show. Pay attention to how she responds: open, relaxed body language and her asking you questions are good signs; short answers and turning away are not. Never pressure for physical contact or a second location. Consent means a clear, enthusiastic yes, and anyone can change their mind at any time (Brook). Offer to make sure she gets home safely, but don’t insist on taking her there.

Ending the date and following up

End while the energy is good, not when you’ve run out of things to say. 60 to 90 minutes is plenty for a first date. If you enjoyed it, say so: “I had a great time, I’d like to do this again.” Then send a short message the same evening or next day. No games, no waiting three days.

If it didn’t click, that’s fine. Thank her for her time and move on politely. Not every date is a match, and that’s no reflection on your worth.

Getting back into dating after a long relationship

Many men I coach are dating again in their 40s after a divorce or a long relationship. Expect to feel rusty. Treat the first few dates as practice, keep them short, and don’t rush into anything serious. Working on your fitness, sleep and social life at the same time helps you feel more confident and less dependent on any one date going well. If performance worries come up later, my guide to performance anxiety in men can help, and emotional intimacy in a relationship covers what comes next when it does click.

Your first date checklist

When	Do this
Day before	Confirm time and place. Plan your outfit and route.
Day of	Short workout. Eat a proper meal. Light on caffeine.
1 hour before	Shower, groom, dress. 3 minutes of slow breathing.
On the date	Phone away. Ask, follow up, share. 1–2 drinks max.
After	Say you enjoyed it. Message within a day if you’d like to see her again.

When to get extra help

Frequently asked questions

What should a man do on a first date?

Plan something simple and low-pressure, such as coffee, a walk or a drink, arrive on time, put your phone away, ask questions and listen properly, and end the date while it’s still going well. Aim for connection, not performance.

What should you not do on a first date?

Avoid talking only about yourself, criticising your ex, drinking too much, checking your phone, pushing for physical contact and making big future plans. Treat it as getting to know each other, not a job interview.

How do I stop being nervous before a first date?

Prepare a simple plan, exercise earlier in the day, do a few minutes of slow breathing before you go and remind yourself that a first date is just a conversation. Some nerves are normal and often come across as genuine interest.

What are good first date questions?

Open questions that invite stories work best: What’s been the highlight of your week? What do you love doing when you have a free day? Where’s the best place you’ve travelled? Then ask follow-up questions about the answers.

Who should pay on a first date?

Customs differ by country and person. A good default is to offer to pay, especially if you suggested the date, and accept graciously if she prefers to split. What matters most is not making it awkward.

The bottom line

The best first date tips for men come down to this: keep it simple, be curious, share a little of yourself, stay respectful and end on a high note. Confidence grows with practice, and every date teaches you something. My book Mastering Modern Relationships ($17) covers what comes next: communication, trust and building something that lasts. This week only, the Halloween code gets you 50% off.

References

1. Huang K, Yeomans M, Brooks AW, Minson J, Gino F. It doesn’t hurt to ask: question-asking increases liking. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2017;113(3):430-452. PubMed
2. Aron A, Melinat E, Aron EN, Vallone RD, Bator RJ. The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 1997;23(4):363-377. Read online
3. Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, et al. How breath-control can change your life: a systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Front Hum Neurosci. 2018;12:353. PubMed Central
4. NHS. Social anxiety (social phobia). Read online
5. Brook. What is consent? Read online

All links checked October 17, 2026.